if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
