he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
