So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
