whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
