piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
