And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
