new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
