According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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