omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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