Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
