Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
