So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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