So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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