Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
