Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
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