i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
