I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
