Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
