Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
