I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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