An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize