I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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