I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
