Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize