I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
