I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Randomize
