K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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