That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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