I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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