is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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