I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
