Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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