Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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