he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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