My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
