ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
