my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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