The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
