Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
