i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
