she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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