The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
