I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize