____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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