He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize