Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
