Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
