Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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