Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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