It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
