I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Girls should come with a carfax report
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
third nipple confirmed
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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