god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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