Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
