I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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