I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
