also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize