You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You smell like stripper and shame
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
