stop calling my apartment porn island.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
