I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
